Playing

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Playing is learning

and learning if finding out-

How something works,

How far is infinite?

Do stars have names?

The stellar ones, not people.

 

Learning to live, love and be loved.

Playing is life before we know why.

Reflecting on what if, what is, why?

Give praise for play, and theatre, music

Give praise to be learners of law,

 

Have fun while you play,

While away the time

But

Stand firm when you have played and learnt.

Don’t lose your wish to learn more.

Keep in mind what went before,

And learn from what’s in store…

 

Whats the point?

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Someone speaks to you, says they can do all sorts of things to help you. It just needs to go through some sort of committee .

You wait to hear back, but after a while you hear you have been unsuccessful. It’s like having a job interview for a job you didn’t know was available, you hadn’t prepared for it, had no knowledge of what it entailed but once someone had dangled the carrot you felt suddenly recognised for having some small amount of worth.

So

What is the point?

Have they read this blog and decided its not commercial enough? That it does not come up to scratch? Should I just post photos of my art and keep my thoughts to myself?

What is the point?

Why bother?

What should I do?

What is the point? What is the point…..

Feeling down, but not quite out.

Dawn

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The Sun is rising, its light peeking over the horizon, traffic is flowing past the front door…it’s 6.30 am and people are going to work. Can’t hear any birds singing, they don’t seem to as much this time of year. There is a wind buffeting the trees outside, and heavy rain is expected later.

I’m awake again after going to bed at 2am, I enjoy being up early sometimes, it helps me gather my thoughts, I guess I will probably go back to bed though. I don’t have any heating on so it’s quite cool in my living room, not that its been really cold yet, but you can certainly tell the season is changing to autumn.

One thing I must do is bring in my house plants. We put them outside this summer while we had the kitchen and bathroom done.  Trouble is we have no space now for a 6 ft weeping fig plant. Anyone need a huge weeping fig? Free to a good home (I’m not pay in for shipping!)

The cats are both asleep, I’m surprised they are not chasing each other. Seamus has lost his collar with its bell. Gracie could hear him coming before, so it’s become more equal in the game of sneaking up on each other and pouncing!

Well this is an exciting bit of blogging, my life laid bare…. I wonder why humans do this kind of thing. Hardly life shattering, I think I will go back to bed. Its now 6.44 am.

Sleep

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The Sun sets earlier every day now, by 9pm it is dark, the summer sun falls below the horizon, dropping down and bringing shadows.

My head nods with weariness, barely able to keep my eyes open. I long for sleep, ready to rest my weary limbs beneath cool sheets, but sleep sneaks away sometimes, I’m hazy with it one minute then alert and awake the next jerking back into the world with a jump, taken out of sleep by a noise or a pain.

So yes, I do need sleep, but it tends to grab hold of me in the daytime. When I’m not expecting it I fall asleep. Listening to the radio or watching tv. In a meeting. Thankfully never when I am driving. But I could almost fall asleep in a queue in a shop, tonight I was nodding at choir practice… but now at well after midnight, nothing,  no sleep.

Sleep is the soft rest that gently rocks your body into dreams,

Sleep is the midnight air coursing through your veins,

Sleep is looking at your partner as he slumbers,

Sleep hides ills and heals woes,

Sleep shapes wakefulness, giving rest to the weary.

I want sleep in my eyes, sleep in my mind.

I want to be drousy, dreaming of soft down pillows.

I need rest, from fears, from worries.

Give me sleep, now.

Blah blah blah

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My head is spinning, I can’t think. Why? Because he keeps talking, on and on and onandonandonand……argh!

He keeps listing things, this and that and the other. ..more and more. Muttering, talking under his breath. It’s not a duolog, it’s a monolog. The pretence of listening  trying to turn a blind ear to it. Please shut up! I scream over and over in my head, my aching ears, every tv programme is spoken over , every speech or argument is submerged by the verbal spewing of the same things, same ideas ad nauseam.

I try not to say anything. I did not want to start an argument. I’m polite, patient, trying to be caring. It makes my mind bend, trying to placate whilst trying to hear my own thoughts.  Misery is close to love, partnered with it, shackled till bedtime brings blessed quiet.

Tinnitus waits when silence decends, whistling, high pitched, fracturing my mind even more, sometimes I switch on the radio, quiet words, only just audible either sooth, or I catch their meaning, and listen into sleep, leaning my thoughts into their soft pillow.

I know in the morning I will start again. I try and stay in the haven of quiet peace in the dawning of day’s, lingering in bed, hiding my thoughts under the duvet. Sometimes I want to escape, to talk to someone who will listen to Me, let Me be, let me be, let me be, my brain stumbles….

Selective hearing is treacherous, what did he say? What meaning did he put in that phrase?  My off switch is too strong now. Like listening to a weather forecast that I never fully hear, only noticing a storm is coming at the end, but not hearing where…

Got to sleep, but the talking mutter is still going on….. no rest for the wicked……

No freedom, till death do we, in sickness, for poorer….where did the positives go? Where is there solace. Why do we change. Why does despair outlast joy?

But there is some joy, as a bird starts to sing into the dawn, as rays of light shine through the window and warm me, I know that I will carry on, calm down, face the future. Buy some ear plugs!

Bored?

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You know when you are bored when…You decide to take a photo of your empty glass…with your nose because you can’t hold the glass, your tablet and press the shutter on the screen at the same time.

Today consisted of sleeping in till late, cooking lunch, taking some rubbish down to the tip, going shopping, tidying up and reheating yesterdays left overs for our evening meal.

Some days are just boring.

The best thing about today?  Hearing an abridged version of Jaws on Radio 4. Two and a half hours long, some wonderful descriptions in a frightening story, it was read out by a narrator rather than having a cast of characters. Brilliant.

But you say why are you bored?  Why not do something?  Basically because I get tired, and I get down. I don’t think I’m depressed exactly, just looking for my mojo to come back. Sometimes life is like that, especially when you start getting a bit older. The safety of the house is like a warm nest. A warm blanket , easier to snuggle down and ignore the world. …

And the world is wonky at the moment, the politics is bonkers, right wing politicians seem to be ascendant, poverty is increasing. Even the age that people die, which had been increasing in this country has suddenly seen a down turn. And don’t ask me about Brexit (if you have even heard if it) its not something I agree with and 52 percent of the population here voted for it…..climate change is happening, animals are becoming extinct……is it any wonder that as the ×÷=t hits the fan I just need a duvet day sometimes?

I remember as a child going on a march with my mother, I was only 5 or 6 so I can’t remember why, or what it was about. I remember seeing and hearing racism when I was a child and questioning it… now I hide away, turn my face away, look at stupid kitten videos instead! What changes us, what forces impinge on us to stop us caring as much as we did?

I want to be more caring about homelessness, unemployment, benefit cuts, modern day slavery, credit crunches, cuts to education and the NHS. Austerity, privatisation, plastic pollution, nuclear accidents, inflation, food banks, cuts in Police, increases in zero hours contracts.

It’s all too much. They call I compassion fatigue, I call it compassion exhaustion….

We need, all of us, to be more caring, for everyone else, not just ourselves. I’ve tried to help people in my job for years, it all got a bit too much.

So yes, maybe it’s not actual boredom, but an inability to focus because there is too much going on to deal with. Withdrawal from the outside world seems preferable at the moment.

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Self portrait from a selfie.

Taking a selfie is bad enough, but trying to draw yourself from it while trying to hold a sketchpad and a tablet computer in one hand and an old felt pen in the other is quite difficult. I did try and use pointillism to do the shading but I think it didn’t really work well. Somehow the eyes in the drawing are looking at me, when in the photo they look up and to the right. The other thing with selfies is you see yourself the right way round, where when you look in a mirror everything is back to front, in mirror image.

I had been trying to take a photo of my reflection in a mirror but the tablet keep getting in the way. The only decent way to take it was by holding the computer tablet to one side but I ended up with the toilet in the background because my decent sized mirror is in the bathroom!

Anyway I don’t generally do selfies and its been a few years since I did a self portrait, but this was a bit of an experiment.  I like painting people and drawing them. Soon the life drawing class I go to will be starting up again. Then I can get in some proper practice.

Till then I’m going to try and do a few more quick portraits, this took about 15 minutes.